Guest Blog: Know an anxious Christian? Five things you should say - and five you shouldn't!

Know an anxious Christian?  Here are five things you should say – and five you shouldn’t!

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme for 2023 is “Anxiety”.  A recent study from the Mental Health Foundation showed that 60% of adults in the UK feel so anxious that it sometimes stops them doing the things they want to do.  In other words, anxiety is common!

It follows that there are Christians around us who are anxious.  Of course, some anxiety is normal; however, when it begins to occur frequently and affects functioning or quality of life, an ‘anxiety disorder’ might be diagnosed.

The following are a few helpful – and unhelpful – things that you might say to an anxious Christian. 

Let’s look at a few of the unhelpful things first…

1.“Everyone gets anxious!”

This is true, of course, but if someone has told you about their anxiety (or you’ve noticed it), it’s probably quite significant to them.  This comment could seem dismissive, minimising the real struggles they’re having.

2. “Just try to relax!”

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this comment when feeling uptight, you’ll know that it has the opposite effect to what is intended!  Research from psychologists shows that telling yourself to relax simply doesn’t work.

3. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Asked kindly, this question might be okay where there is ‘normal’ anxiety about an upcoming event…but I guarantee that someone with an anxiety disorder is already thinking through all possible worst-case scenarios.  Help them to refocus their mind elsewhere.

4. “What have you got to be anxious about?”

Here, the questioner might be thinking that their anxious friend has job security, a supportive family, a good church etc.  Chances are that the friend is all too aware of these things and will feel even more guilty about their anxiety!

5. "Can’t you cast your anxieties on God?”

When we talk about anxiety within the Church, we often refer to 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”  It’s a biblical command, of course, but this question expresses frustration and feels castigating.  The person with an anxiety disorder may be seeking wholeheartedly to cast anxiety on God and still experience symptoms because they have a mental illness.  It’s the same with physical problems – we commit our diabetes or cancer to God’s care…but we don’t always get better, especially without medical help. 

Of course, the second half of the verse gives the reason why we can cast our anxiety on God, and this leads on to some suggestions of some helpful things we can say…

1. “It sounds like this anxiety is really hard for you.”

This is a caring statement which communicates that the anxious person has been heard.  Their struggle is not dismissed or minimised.  Psychologists would say that it ‘validates’ the person’s pain, paving the way for connection and healing.

2. “I can understand why you are feeling this way.”

It may be that you can’t relate to feeling anxious about, for example, mingling with others at church; however, put yourself in your friend’s shoes, with their life history and personality – if you can say that you understand from that perspective, that is also very validating.

3. “Lots of Christians experience anxiety.”

Tone is important here so that it doesn’t feel as dismissive as “Everyone gets anxious!”  What you are seeking to communicate is that the person is not alone as a believer who is suffering, and that their faith remains valid even where there is fear.

4. “There are things that can help.”

When anxiety has been validated, it creates a foundation from which to build a recovery. 

This might come from anxiety management techniques such as paced breathing, secular mindfulness practices, or progressive muscle relaxation.  It might also come from talking therapies delivered by mental health professionals, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (accessible through a GP or Community Mental Health Team).  There are also effective medications which may be appropriate depending on the person’s condition and circumstances. 

Be prepared to suggest some ideas – perhaps you and your friend could research solutions together.

5. “We can all tune in to God’s calming presence.”

1 Peter 5:7 does encourage us to commit our anxieties to God in prayer, but it doesn’t imply that we haven’t done it right if these anxieties do not immediately disappear.  Instead, knowing that “he cares for [us]”, we can encourage an anxious friend to sit at Jesus’ feet any time they need to, breathing out their anxieties and breathing in his peace.  His calming presence is available to all of us at any time if we just tune in – in church, in a hospital waiting room, on the bus, in an exam hall. 

Conclusion

Words are powerful, and what we say to someone who is anxious (and how we say it) can have a significant impact on their recovery.  Used carefully, 1 Peter 5:7 reassures, encourages, and gives hope.  Let’s allow God’s care to flow through us today.