For Those Left Behind: How to Grieve a Suicide

"One of my students once described her cousin’s suicide and its continuing effects on his family by saying, “He didn’t just take his own life; he took part of theirs too.”"

Gilbert Meilaender, Bioethics

If you have experienced the suicide of a loved one, these words are for you. Approximately  a  million  people  around  the  world  kill  them-selves each year. In the United States over forty-two thousand suicides (in the UK over six thousand) take place annually — perhaps far more, since many suicides are disguised to look like accidents.While suicides often take place in isolation, they are rarely un-noticed by others. There may be one primary victim, but as with a bomb thrown into a crowd of people, the collateral damage done to others nearby is massive. An individual suicide causes numerous other  casualties — friends  and  family,  the  “other  victims.”  Every  suicide leaves behind at least six survivors, sometimes ten or more.

In most literature on the topic, “suicide survivor” refers to a loved one  left  behind  by  a  suicide—husband,  wife,  parent,  child,  roommate, coworker, another family member, friend—not a person who has survived a suicide attempt. It is no coincidence that the term survivor is commonly applied to those who have experienced a horrible catastrophe of earth-shattering proportions. We speak of  Holocaust  survivors  or  of  survivors  of  genocide,  terrorism,  or  war. So it is with those of us who survive a suicide. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “the level of stress resulting from  the  suicide  of  a  loved  one  is  ranked  as  catastrophic—equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience.”

Survivor suggests desperation, one who clings to life, but only barely. The TV show Survivor created an artificial environment in which a group of people was stranded in a remote location to fend for themselves. But their actual survival was never really in doubt. After all, there were camera crews, directors, and production assis-tants on hand to chronicle their everyday experiences. Not so with the survivors of a true catastrophe, like a shipwreck or plane crash. These survivors do not have any guarantee of survival. Their lives hang in the balance. They may have survived an initial life-threat-ening crisis, but they face an ongoing, day-to-day challenge of sur-vival with no assurance of safety, rescue, or recovery.

Such is the case for survivors of suicide. We have experienced a trauma  on  par  psychologically  with  the  experience  of  soldiers  in  combat. In the aftermath, we simply don’t know if we can endure the pain and anguish. Because death has struck so close to home, life itself seems uncertain. We don’t know if we can go on from day to day. We wonder if we will be consumed by the same despair that claimed our loved one. At the very least, we know that our life will never be the same. If we go on living, we will do so as people who see the world very differently.

Shortly after my father’s suicide, I purchased a dozen books on the topic. Most sat on my shelf unread for months; I discovered that I was unable to bring myself to read them. Many times I would pick one up and attempt to read a few pages, only to abandon it when tears clouded my vision.

If this is your experience as well, that’s fine. You certainly do not need to read this book straight through from cover to cover. In fact, you may not be able to. Read only what you can handle. Feel free to skip around and go directly to chapters that you think may be helpful to you. The chapters in the first part of the book deal more directly with the immediate grief experience, whereas the second part  attempts  to  answer  the  haunting  questions  that  suicides  present. The third section offers further reflection on living one’s life following a suicide.

Some things I read early in my own grieving made no sense to me at the time. They seemed too trite, like simplistic pat answers. My emotions were probably too raw then, my grief too fresh. Now that some time has passed, things make a little more sense. So if some of my observations are of no help to you right now, I apol-ogize in advance and pray that I have not added to your grief. I do not pretend to offer the authoritative word on this topic, but I hope this book can be a companion through your experience.

I  grew  up  in  Minnesota,  a  state  known  for  frigid  winters  and  heavy snowfall. The wind-chill factor falls so far below zero that merely taking a breath brings sharp pain to your lungs and makes your  nostrils  freeze  up.  I  remember  childhood  blizzards  when  I  looked  out  the  window  and  couldn’t  even  see  the  end  of  the  driveway. The dark skies, icy streets, and arctic winds made it nearly impossible  to  travel  anywhere  or  even  to  see  where  to  go.  These  storms are dangerous. Without proper protection, people caught outside can die.

But eventually the storms subside, leaving an altered landscape. Familiar  landmarks  have  disappeared  under  a  cover  of  crystal  white. It can be hazardous to venture outdoors after a new snow. Many slip and fall on the ice, breaking hips or wrists. Every year some  people  have  heart  attacks  while  shoveling  their  driveways.  Even walking through the snow can be risky. If the top layer of the snow is crusted over with ice, the surface appears deceptively solid. But with one misplaced step, your leg can break through the crust and sink up to your thigh.

Soon  enough,  however,  shovels  and  snowblowers  emerge,  and  gradually  the  sidewalks  reappear,  marked  by  the  boot  prints  of  those who clear new paths. It’s always easier to walk through snow-drifts if you place your feet in the footsteps of those who trudged through earlier.

Survivors  of  suicide  can  feel  as  if  they  are  caught  in  a  winter  storm of epic proportions. The road ahead looks bleak and daunting. It may not seem to lead anywhere, or you may seem to be going in circles. You may feel as if you are frozen in place. You may think that you’ll die. But wherever you are on the journey, know that the path you tread is one that others have trod. I hope this book pro-vides you with some protection in the storm, that it will guard your heart and soul during a time of terrible agony. May it provide you with some tracks to follow to make your way through.

If you are looking for ways to process grief with any loss - be it suicide, the end of a relationship or a recent revelation regarding a respected leader, we think the books below may be helpful.