A Letter to my Sixteen-Year-Old Self

Dear 16-year-old Sharon,

I’m writing to you from the year 2020 – a date which probably seems impossibly distant to you. I know that right now you have many immediate priorities which are important and command so much of your attention, not least those A Level courses upon which you are embarking!

I can remember that ‘16’ was not an easy time. You’re still wondering how long this ankle injury will keep you out of First XI hockey and trying to work out what your identity is now that you can’t be the ‘Sporty Spice’ in the youth group any more. That’s hard – training has been your outlet for so long. I’m glad you’re getting more time with the Scripture Union crowd at school, all the same. I know they are good for you.

You couldn’t possibly realise this yet, but some of your current anxieties are going to have an impact on your life’s journey for years to come. Don’t panic, though – you’re going to prove yourself stronger than you know, and the faith that is reawakening in you after the last few years of spiritual drift will be critical to your survival.

Part of me wants to tell you that you need to change direction drastically – perhaps to pursue history instead of medicine, to try to get into Oxford or Cambridge, to seek another doctor’s opinion on your ankle and find a way to get back to physical activity as soon as possible, to deal with your worries about weight by working with a sports dietitian…

I do sometimes have regrets, and I know that – had I done all these things – life could have been very different. But I am actually going to encourage you to keep your focus. Heading off to England to study at a time of precarious health could have serious consequences, and the reality is that, looking back, I don’t regret the choices which led me to where I am today.

I suppose I am writing this letter to prepare you in some small way for what lies ahead. I don’t want to scare you, but the road before you is a rocky one. That’s not to say that there won’t be good times. You’re going to love medical school, for example, and you’ll find yourself in a church where you will grow so much during your student years.

But there will be periods of great challenge.

I realise that, in 1998, mental illness is not something which is talked about very much. You know little about it and the concept is a bit frightening. There have been times in your childhood when you have been ‘threatened’ with a referral to a psychiatrist – much as if this was a terrible fate. I have decided that it is best if you are forewarned: you are going to become very familiar both with mental illness and psychiatrists (who are really not that bad).

Since I think this is an inevitable part of your journey, let me give you a few key points to remember as you travel.

First of all, there is no shame in having mental illness. Your brain will fail to function as it should at times, but this is really no different than having problems with your liver or your kidneys. Don’t hide it from everyone, and please don’t try to deny it altogether – that will definitely hinder your progress. At times, you will feel stigmatised, but try to surround yourself with ‘safe’ people – those who will support and validate you. The more you are open and honest, the more others will understand.

Secondly, recovery is possible. You may as well know now that you are not going to experience complete healing – here I am, twenty years ahead, still affected to a certain degree by mental ill health. But there is hope! If you keep taking one day at a time (or one hour, or sometimes five minutes) during the worst periods, you will come out the other side – stronger and with deepened faith. You will have moments when you feel like giving up – indeed, you will give up – but God will not let go of you. Wherever the road takes you, he will hold you in his right hand (Psalm 139:10). (Read Psalm 139 often, by the way – it will bring encouragement on many difficult days.)

Thirdly, God redeems suffering. He says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” (Joel 2:25) You will have hard times and you will question whether God cares about you at all. With hindsight, I can say that he does: all that he permits to happen will happen for a reason. In time, you will see great things come about that could never have occurred had you not travelled this difficult path. It will not be in the way you expect right now, but God has plans to use you powerfully. Don’t lose sight of that.

What else do I want to say? I suppose I just want to reassure you that things will turn out okay. Without giving away too much, being 37-year-old Sharon is hard, but it’s also good. I know that you have certain expectations of what life will be like as you approach forty - they will not be fulfilled, but God has a plan for you and his ways are better. I can at last say with King David, “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” (Psalm 16:6)

For now, concentrate on the tasks at hand. Get through your A Levels and enjoy them as much as you can. Invest in your friendships, and even more so in your relationship with God. Try to find balance in your life – fight that voice which tells you that you have to earn the right to take pleasure in good things. And when life does get harder – because it will – keep looking upwards. You will never be alone, because God has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5)

You are precious, Sharon. You have been chosen for a very particular task in the furthering of God’s kingdom. Hang in there. It will be worth it.

With love,

Your 2020 self